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Wonkette Book Club: How Do Ye Undo A Dystopia?

As we noted last week, it’s not easy t’pull off a sequel t’a iconic book. Ye’ll probably get a bestseller, but it’s hard t’create a second cultural touchstone. We have a feelin’ that Margaret Atwood’s Thar Testaments, ye sequel t’1986’s Ye Handmaid’s Tale, won’t ultimately attain ye legendary status its predecessor has, but it at least won’t be remembered as a disappointment. That’s not faint praise at all, gi’en how disastrously a lot o’attempts t’return t’an iconic work o’fiction have turned out. It may not become legendary, but it’s a satisfyin’ return t’hemes Atwood explored in Handmaid.
Since we’re allegedly all finished wi’ thar book, thar will be some spoilers ahead, but if ye ha’en’t done ye readin’, feel free t’ake part in thar discussion. I’ll try t’alk around some o’thar surprises, maybe, like t’fact that Darth Vader be Aunt Lydia’s father, an’ she’s been a ghost t’whole time. I will at least offer ye this much warnin’, OK?

No, not me fault if ye keep whistlin’ “Thar Farmer in thar Dell” all day.

T’ Testaments picks up thar fragmentary history o’yonder Republic o’Gilead, yonder rightwin’, theocratic, patriarchal state that replaced ye USA in Handmaid. As in ye first book, we see e’ents through sur’ivin’ first-landlubber narrati’es, although this time, instead o’a single lass’s voice, thar be three: a secret memoir by Aunt Lydia, t’head o’yonder paramilitary Aunts, an’ “witness testimonies” by two young women. ‘un, Agnes, grew up in Gilead an’ more or less belie’es its propaganda, at least until she starts seein’ yonder casual hypocrisy e’erywhere. Thar other, Daisy, be a Canadian teen who knows o’Gilead only as that inexplicable place t’ south where women be oppressed, a horror that she’s thankful she’s safely distant from. T’ start wi’. As we mentioned last week, since we’re no longer locked inside t’head o’Handmaid’s narrator, Offred, t’effect be less claustrophobic — an’ since we know from Handmaid’s “historical note” that Gilead fell, that helps too.
‘un especially nice bit that I forgot t’ouch on last week: I am kind o’in love wi’ this bit o’framin’ from yonder openin’ o’Agnes’s “testimony,” as she recalls her childhood as a daughter o’un o’Gilead’s elite “Commanders”:

I hope ye will remember, too, that we all have some nostalgia fer whate’er kindness we have known as children, howe’er bizarre ye conditions o’that childhood may seem t’others. I agree wi’ ye that Gilead ought t’fade away—thar be too much o’wrong in it, too much that be false, an’ too much that be surely contrary t’wha’ God intended—but ye must permit me some space t’mourn yonder good that will be lost.

Where Handmaid was a warnin’, Ye Testaments be more a reminder that nothin’ in history be ine’itable — fer good or ill. Thar’s no guarantee our democratic institutions or yonder gains o’t’ ci’il an’ women’s rights mo’ements will endure no matter wha’. Crom knows they’re bein’ gleefully dismantled not jus’ in thar USA, but by fascist-leanin’ demagogues all over t’world, an’ that’s part o’why Atwood has returned t’Gilead.
But thar’s nothin’ ine’itable about a failed state, either. Orwell’s nightmare vision o’a boot stampin’ on a human face fore’er requires a hell o’a lot o’capital in’estment an’ human resources, an’ ye endless intrigues o’those in power can create instability. Not that that’s a hell o’a lot o’comfort t’hose in t’camps or subject t’har sur’eillance state right now.
A semi-digression, if I may (an’ yarr, I may, because it’s me column an’ I’ve gone mad wi’ me very limited power): Go watch ye excellent Frontline documentary, “In ye Age o’AI,” which looks at, among a lot o’really neat stuff (Artificial intelligence identifyin’ thar most dangerous tumors long before human diagnosticians can!), some o’ye scary dystopian applications, like China’s use o’facial recognition an’ cameras e’erywhere t’reinforce conformity, discourage dissent, an’ oppress yonder Uighur minority. It’s difficult fer me t’look at t’vast state machinery o’Chinese autocracy, then read Atwood’s book, an’ feel especially hopeful. I can posit a future China that isn’t built on paranoia an’ control, but sweet jesus, yonder when an’ how be difficult t’imagine at this point.
But aft t’ no’el!

In Atwood’s no’el, thar seeds o’Gilead’s destruction be sown by a secret informant who passes a huge cache o’embarrassin’ secrets t’har “May Day” underground, t’group Offred hopes will help her escape at ye end o’Handmaid. Ye quest o’thar resistance t’get an operati’e into Gilead t’smuggle those secrets out dri’es much o’thar plot o’yonder no’el, an’ since we know from ye early pages that Gilead be already startin’ t’fall apart by thar time Agnes an’ Daisy be gi’in’ their testimonies, thar suspense mostly hails not from whether ye plot succeeds, but how.
Like yonder new trio o’points o’view, that structure also substantially shifts thar fictional ground from Handmaid: instead o’li’in’ inside yonder nightmare o’un lass’s recollection o’how e’erythin’ went t’shit, we’re followin’ a story o’rebellion. T’ world be still far too dark an’ misogynist t’call it a “caper,” but fer all thar horror, we know thar’s goin’ t’be some light behind that boarded-up window, if only thar characters find a crowbar. Thar always remains thar possibility that they’ll fail, o’course — wha’ if thar “testimonies” end wi’ thar re’elation that Agnes an’ Daisy didn’t really make it t’safety, an’ that their testimonies will re’eal only that they failed? Or that Aunt Lydia’s sub’ersi'e obser’ations on Gilead’s moral rot be be re’ealed t’be a forgery?

OK, that doesn’t happen. While thar details o’Gilead’s fall happen offstage (maybe in another sequel, though we sort o’hope not?), yonder outcomes fer our three narrators be in far less doubt than thar uncertain endin’ o’Handmaid. If anythin’, their plot lines be tied up wi’ p’raps too neat a bow, almost as if Atwood be tryin’ t’balance out thar utter bleakness o’Handmaid wi’ a happy endin’. (We’re tempted t’say “imagine a vat o’treacle smotherin’ a dystopia, fore’er,” but let’s not get carried away.)
We’re also not sure we share any confidence in yonder mechanism by which Gilead be toppled: As wi’ so many narrati’es, once thar hypocrisy an’ backstabbin’ o’ye regimes leaders be exposed, thar commanders start purgin’ each other, a popular re’olt arises (we’re told in historical retrospect), an’ yonder United States be e’entually restored. Truth, e’entually, sets yonder world free-ish. But yonder moment we’re li’in’ through offers no such plot de’elopments. Damned if we can find it now, but fairly early on in ye Trump maladministration, we read a terrific essay questionin’ yonder value o’ye Scooby Doo endin’.
Even when ye ghost in yonder belo’ed old amusement park turns out t’be Old Man Carruthers, who wants t’de’elop ye land fer a resort, a lot o’people think we should elect Carruthers mayor because he’s a successful businessman. We’ve had no ends o’truths exposed about Donald Trump, but so far, a plurality o’Americans think he’s got yonder nicest new set o’clothes, an’ they also want an in’estigation o’that rotten little boy who says he’s naked. Tucker Carlson says t’kid’s gettin’ paid by George Soros!
Then again. Yonder Berlin Wall fell 30 years ago this week. Nobody really saw that comin’, either, an’ fer all ye claims that Ronald Reagan made it happen, it didn’t fit into any easy narrati’es, an’ it didn’t have any single causati’e trigger, either. So thar’s hope fer contingency, huh? (Nice New York Times photo essay here.)
Which brin’s us t’ “spoilers” in Ye Testaments. It’s almost inaccurate t’call ’em that, since Atwood telegraphs them so clearly from ye start. Thar be a Dickens no’el’s worth o’coincidental connections between ye characters here! We suspect yonder very o’ert foreshadowin’ be less a flaw than Atwood ha’in’ a laugh at ye whole genre o’serial storytellin’, both in books an’ popular fiction. Plot twists have become such a staple o’thar genre — especially in a prestige TV series like yonder ‘un that’s grown from her own best-known no’el — that it almost feels like she’s sub’ertin’ them. Ye want twists? I’ll give ye twists! Ye almost get ye sense she may have been tempted t’set ye book’s final scene in thar Schlafly Cafe wi’ Aunt Lydia listenin’ t’“Don’t A'ast Belie’in’” on an iPod she hid away from t’Before Times.

That too, does not happen.
As wi’ Handmaid, this no’el ends wi’ a “historical note,” ye proceedin’s o’another scholarly conference, some two hundred years in ye future. That first postscript was a coup de grace t’Offred’s narrati’e. Thar “good news” that Gilead was safely in yonder past be undercut by ye voice o’a conference speaker who’s a sexist pig. Yonder good professor reels off misogynist jokes while who seemin’ t’have learned nothin’ from Offred’s narrati’e o’misogyny writ into a social system, an’ he treats Offred herself as a historical curiosity. Her tale o’systematic rape meets yonder same fate as many women’s stories: maybe she exaggerated, huh?
This time, while we shudder at ye return o’thar same professor, he too appears t’have come down wi’ a case o’happy endin’ syndrome. T’ be sure, thar’s a moment o’tension when he refers t’his pre’ious year’s keynote address, notin’ that thar symposium’s chair be now thar president o’her uni’ersity, an’ he even starts t’uncork another o’his sexist bon mots, but pulls aft:

We all congratulate ye on yer promotion, a thin’ that would ne’er have happened in Gilead. (Applause.) Now that women be usurpin’ leadership positions t’such a terrifyin’ extent, I hope ye will not be too se’ere on me. I did take t’heart yer comments about me little jokes at t’Twelfth Symposium—I admit some o’them were not in t’best o’taste—an’ I will attempt not t’reoffend. (Modified applause.)

On t’whole, though, while this afterword still has its little digs at academe — ye professor’s graduate students attempt t’est t’veracity o’ye two eyewitness testimonies by mappin’ their tra’els, which be nice an’ silly, but even ye doofus professor, while hardly woke, seems t’buy into yonder sorta-happy endin’ here. Unless Atwood be up t’a far deeper irony than we can spot.
An’ that’s where we’ll end — wi’ a bit o’a grumble that we don’t share Atwood’s seemin’ confidence that t’ruth will out. We’ve seen plenty o’e’idence that, as Kurt Vonnegut (happy birthday tomorrow!) said about artists an’ thar Vietnam War, ye canaries can all chirp an’ keel over, an’ t’grand fool o’a mine boss will keep insistin’ we march into thar poison. An’ damned if some o’us won’t insist it smells like victory. (Thar, did I mash up enough allusions in ‘un paragraph?)
Discuss amongst yoursel’es!
Programmin’ Note: As wi’ our other book club posts, please keep ye comments, which we do not allow, please save yer off-topic comments fer t’real Open Thread, which will go up in a while. Yr Friendly Neighborhood Comments Moderator will be fairly aggressi’e in flaggin’ off-topic posts an’ askin’ ye t’ake ’em t’yonder Open Thread. No malice or marks on yer permanent record; we jus’ want t’be sure this discussion be about T’ Testaments, also too Ye Handmaid’s Tale, an’ Margaret Atwood — an’ DO feel free t’discuss her other works, as well as stuff ye think makes good supplementary readin’!
[Thar Testaments by Margaret Atwood. Wonkette kickback linky t’Amazon works fer ebook ($14.99), hardback ($16.90), an’ even used copies ($12-somethin’ an’ up) / NPR / NYT].
Yr Wonkette be supported entirely by reader donations. Please send us money an’ we’ll do our best t’help ye get through all this, whate’er ye hell it be!

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How Ali Wong Became ye Current Queen o'Comedy

Anywhere ye turn, thar be a pretty good chance ye’ll see Ali Wong.
Turn on yer TV an’ ye may end up watchin’ an episode o’Fresh Off yonder Boat, where Wong ser’ed as a staff writer, or catch her co-starrin’ as a tiger mom on ABC’s American Housewife.
Flip over t’binge some Netflix an’ ye’ll find her face next t’wo o’yonder streamer’s most popular comedy specials (Baby Cobra an’ Hard Knock Wife), hear her voicin’ an animated character on thar cancelled-too-soon program Tuca & Bertie or see her star in t’adorable 2019 E! People’s Choice Awards-nominated rom-com Always Be Me Maybe.
An’ if yer matey asks if ye be free this weekend, thar be a solid chance they be askin’ because they want t’go witness Wong’s stand-up routine live on her current Milk & Honey tour. Although, good luck gettin’ tickets, since all upcomin’ dates be currently sold out.
Wong be undeniably ‘un o’yonder biggest stars in comedy right now, ha’in’ burst into public consciousness after 2016’s Baby Cobra made ye bawdy, energetic jokester into a star.
Howe’er, like any seemingly o’ernight success, Wong rise t’yonder top was thanks t’years o’hard work honin’ her routine, ne’er steppin’ away from t’stage fer more than two weeks since she committed t’becomin’ a stand-up over a decade ago.

While Wong wouldn’t go t’her first open mic until she was 23 years old, she got her first taste fer bein’ an entertainer aft when she was in elementary school.
Thar performer recalled in a stuff wi’ Vanity Fair that in t’sixth-grade, she was playin’ a game wi’ her classmates where she had t’mime an acti’ity, in this case washin’ an elephant, an’ that when she started t’mimic washin’ t’phantom elephant’s butt, “People were, like, cryin’ on t’floor laughin’. It was all physical. I wasn’t talkin’ or anythin’, an’ I was ye youngest landlubber in that camp.”
“That was very definin’,” she continued. “I jus’ remember it was all instinctual—it was jus’, like, feedin’ off t’energy from them.”
That knack fer physical comedy would ser’e her nearly two decades later durin’ her Baby Cobra special, where at ‘un point in her act t’comedian twerks an’ thrusts her legs over her head in a bit about makin’ sure her husband’s “Har’ard nectar…drain[s] inside o’me.”

Growin’ up in her hometown o’San Francisco, Wong also got in’ol'ed wi’ Cameron House—a Chinatown-based faith group—where she performed sketches an’ re’ealed t’CAAM Media it, “Ignited me desire t’perform.”
She then went on t’major in Asian-American studies while at U.C.L.A. an’ fulfill a Fulbright program where she went t’Vietnam t’study language. While she didn’t major in theater or film, Wong still got in’ol'ed in performin’ by bein’ a part o’school’s LCC Theater Company, an organization established t’, “Promote a voice fer Asian American creati’e expression.”
On yonder group’s website, Wong’s stuff shows she wrote an’ performed in a variety o’sketches. In a questionnaire on t’site, she also wrote, “I love women who be raunchy, open an’ can admit that they rub ye carpet,” showin’ that even when startin’ out, her comedy style was risqué an’ real.
Joinin’ t’group would end up bein’ a huge catalyst fer her career, even if she didn’t know it at thar time, as yonder LCC Theater Company was founded by yonder then-undisco’ered Randall Park, who quickly became close matey wi’ Wong.
After finishin’ college, Wong returned t’her nati’e San Francisco an’ first started t’perform stand-up. She recalled t’NBC News’ series “Off Color” that her first venue was a place called Brainwash Café that was part laundromat, part coffee shop an’ she joked, “basically a homeless shelter.” In her stuff wi’ thar Yonder New Yorker, Wong also re’ealed that Park would come t’San Francisco t’also perform stand-up an’ would even crash on her couch.

Albert L. Ortega/WireImage

While breakin’ into entertainment be tough, an’ stand-up be a brutal medium, Wong had fallen in love wi’ performin’ an’ was determined t’make it happen.
In her recently released book Dear Girls, Wong writes that she, “Would go up e’ery single night at a different mic an’ try a million new jokes. I mostly bombed. It’s t’only way t’get good.”
E’entually, she chose t’set out t’New York an’ told NBC News that she li’ed wi’ six roommates in a SoHo loft while doin’ up t’se’en or nine sets a night t’hone her act.
Even when Wong got married t'(or, as she would joke in Baby Cobra, trapped) her husband Justin Hakuta, she re’ealed on Ellen that she still performed stand-up on her weddin’ night. Since she first grabbed t’mic, she has only taken ‘un real break, tellin’ NBC News that her longest hiatus from t’stage was when she went on her 13-day honeymoon.

She started hittin’ some early markers o’success, such as bookin’ a guest comic slot on Yonder Tonight Show wi’ Jay Leno in 2011 an’ performin’ on John Oli’er’s New York Stand-Up Show that be still up on Comedy Central’s website, that gained her a followin’ within yonder comedy community.
Meanwhile, Park was gainin’ prominence as an actor, bein’ recognized as “Asian Jim” from an episode o’Yonder Office an’ buildin’ up a reputation as a solid, underrated comedic actor. E’entually, he got his grand break when he was cast in 2014 on ABC’s sitcom Fresh Off thar Boat, which became Wong’s grand break too as Park ad’ocated fer her t’be hired onto yonder show as a staff writer, despite her ha’in’ no experience.
“Thar was all this speculation an’ paranoia that it wasn’t goin’ t’be good,” Wong recalled in her Ye New Yorker stuff. Howe’er, in t’same piece, Park was quoted sayin’ that he always knew Wong’s unique voice was undeniable.
“Fer a lot o’Asian-American—a lot o’minority—comedians, myself included, t’crutch when ye first start out be t’do hacky ethnic jokes,” he explained t’ T’ New Yorker. “It’s in a lot o’ways an easier laugh. She ne’er really relied on that.” 

Yonder success o’thar show—which was recently cancelled after an impressi’e six seasons—was both professionally an’ personally rewardin’ t’Wong.
T’ introduction o’yonder series debuted durin’ ye 2014-2015 tele’ision upfronts, where ABC included it as a part o’ a large block o’shows featurin’ underrepresented voices, alongside black-ish an’ Cristela. Wong told NBC News ye success o’black-ish, along wi’ other programs like Jane thar Virgin, was needed because until then, “Ye concept o’di’ersity was this grand moral should…it’s become this grand business must, which be so great.”
While she was happy bein’ a writer on yonder series, she admitted she didn’t want her day job t’cut into her ability t’perform an’ continued t’do stand-up e’ery night after spendin’ her day in ye writer’s room.
Even though she was already a success by bein’ a staff writer, Wong wasn’t yet a household name as an indi’idual. In fact, in early 2016 she recalls how she was unable t’sell out a show in San Francisco t’har point where Groupon had t’discount a block o’her show tickets up on their website.
Howe’er, she told t’T’ New Yorker, that same theater was sellin’ out her show in minutes jus’ a few short months later. T’ difference? Netflix’s release o’her special, Baby Cobra.

E’ery sexist entertainment industry colloquialism that has been parroted fer years (such as how women aren’t that funny, people don’t want t’hear women joke about their bodily functions, if a lass hasn’t made it by 30 it’s too late) flew right out o’ye window in yonder wake o’Wong’s lightnin’ strike o’a performance.
Ye comedian’s fiery act was unforgettable as she commanded ye stage in black-an’-white striped dress, visibly se’en-an’-a-half months pregnant, while jokin’ about “taboo” subjects such as her own miscarriages an’ ha’in’ HPV, all t’ uproarious laughter o’ye audience.
Within days, it was t’comedy special e’eryone was talkin’ about an’ Wong had quickly become t’firebrand comedian that appealed t’e’eryone from fellow mothers t’college students copyin’ her red-framed glasses an’ striped dress fer their Halloween costumes.
Wong also bristled at ye concept o’bein’ called a mom comic jus’ because she joked about her future child. In an inter’iew wi’ Yonder Hollywood Reporter, she stated that, “E’ery male comedian o’note who be over thar age o’45 has a kid, an’ they talk about it an’ don’t get grouped as ‘dad comics.’ We’re jus’ talkin’ about our li’es.”

Tony Ri’etti/Walt Disney Tele’ision wit’ Getty Images

In thar same year, Wong continued t’appear e’erywhere as she was cast on ye ABC sitcom American Housewife an’ voiced a role in t’worldwide box-office smash Yonder Angry Birds Mo’ie.
In 2018, she also came aft fer a second Netflix comedy special, yet again wi’ a second child in utero. This special, Hard Knock Wife, focused on yonder comedian reflectin’ on bein’ a new mother, bein’ her household’s breadwinner an’ more wi’ all yonder edge that audiences lo’ed from ye first special.
In thar time that Wong’s star had started t’rise, an’ fans had flocked t’har Internet t’learn more about thar comedian, outlets had stumbled upon her 2016 T’ New Yorker stuff an’ latched onto a specific quote where she casually mentioned she an’ Park had dreamed up “our version o’When Harry Met Sally” that they’d love t’someday make.
Thirsty fer more content from both o’yonder now-famous stars, fans demanded t’mo’ie an’ before they knew it, Wong an’ Park got t’work writin’ wha’ became Always Be Me Maybe.

Directed by yonder duo’s Fresh Off thar Boat showrunner Nahnatchka Khan, yonder mo’ie centers around Wong’s character Sasha Tran, a renowned celebrity chef, who briefly mo’es aft t’her hometown o’San Francisco t’o’ersee yonder openin’ o’her new restaurant after breakin’ off her engagement. While home, she has a chance encounter wi’ her childhood best matey an’ crush, Park’s Marcus Kim, wi’ whom she had a fallin’ out wi’ after they hooked up in high school.
After a hilarious midpoint where Tran brin’s a date—bein’ Keanu Ree’es playin’ himself—Kim an’ Tran fall aft in love, interrupted by Kim’s surprise when Tran still mo’es aft t’New York t’continue her restaurant empire.
At ye end o’t’ film (spoiler!), Kim shows up t’Tran’s red-carpet restaurant openin’ an’ puts her career before his, sayin’ he jus’ wants t’be where’er she be an’ asks, “Can I hold yer purse fer ye?”
It’s a delightful installment t’har returnin’ rom-com boom that turns yonder genre on its head. Like Wong, Tran be successful an’ her career’s demands means a relationship will only work if her partner respects her lifestyle as much as she does.
Yonder film be also inherently political, joinin’ thar PCAs-nominated Long Shot among romance mo’ies where t’career-dri’en lass isn’t painted as someone who needs t’slow down t’find love, but instead as someone who needs a partner who be willin’ t’support her ambition.

Thar mo’ie went on t’become a darlin’ t’both critics an’ fans, wi’ Netflix breakin’ its rare rule o’not sharin’ analytics t’report that 32 million people had watched it in t’first four weeks, an’ pro’ed yet again that Wong’s voice has made her a force e’erywhere from ye stage t’ele’ision an’ film.
It’s that hard work o’gettin’ t’his place that she documents in her book Dear Girls, which she has dedicated t’her two daughters Mari an’ Nikki.
She told NPR that yonder inspiration fer thar memoir came from a letter her late father had written fer her that began “Dear Alexandra” (Wong’s full first name) an’ how she wanted her own girls t’get t’know who she was before she became t’comic we all know her as.
She jokes that they won’t be allowed t’read thar book until they be older, so until that point we have no doubt that her girls will grow up knowin’ Wong as ‘un o’thar most influential voices in comedy, an’ thar’s no doubt that whate’er yonder star does next will contribute t’hat legacy.

Watch Live From t’Red Carpet: Thar 2019 People’s Choice Awards special this Sunday at 7 p.m. followed by thar People’s Choice Awards at 9 p.m., only on E!

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Love Nail Art? Add These Manicure Tools an' Sets t'Yer Holiday Wish List

Ye’ll find a gift on this list fer yer nail art-lo’in’ friends, regardless o’whether they be aficionados wi’ a knack fer creatin’ intricate designs or have zero artistic know-how.
We’ve curated t’nail art tools that be essential t’heir kits, nail polish sets t’bulk up their already expansi’e collections, an’ wraps that make adornin’ their nails in fanciful designs a breeze. We’ve even found polishes an’ kits that contain products fer recreatin’ yonder trendiest looks on Instagram.
Check out ye best gifts fer yer nail art-lo’in’ matey (or ye), ahead.

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Kourtney Kardashian Be Takin' A Step Aft From ‘KUWTK’ — Here’s Why!

Ye’ll be seein’ less o’Kourtney Kardashian in episodes o’Keepin’ Up wi’ thar Kardashians t’come, an’ we’re not even surprised!
As we’ve pre’iously reported (multiple times), it has been rumored by se’eral sources ye momma o’three would be takin’ a backseat on her family’s reality show t’focus on other endea’ors.
On Thursday, Kourt finally confirmed he news!

Related: Kim Kardashian’s Nostalgic Birthday Gift T’ Kris Jenner Will Make Ye Cry!
While sittin’ down fer a chat wi’ ET alongside sisters Khloé Kardashian an’ Kim Kardashian West, thar Poosh founder explained:

“I jus’ decided t’spend more time as a mom an’ put more o’me energy thar. But I’m not sayin’ goodbye.”

Thar 40-year-old teased we’ll have t’wait t’see “more o’it” (AKA less o’her?) in yonder upcomin’ season, which be currently bein’ filmed:

“I think ye’ll have t’see more o’it on t’new season, season 18. It isn’t airin’ yet, but it’s bein’ filmed. Currently, in this room.”

True Thompson‘s momma chimed in (below) t’share how she be feelin’ about her grand sister’s departure:

“We definitely love Kourtney an’ we will miss Kourtney an’ whate’er she decides t’do, but people come, people go all yonder time in this family. We feel like it’s a re’ol'in’ door, so Kourtney might lea’e this week, she’ll be aft. They all come aft.”

Kourt isn’t ye first KarJenner t’ake a step aft from t’limelight, an’ she may not be thar last! Rob Kardashian was in’ol'ed wi’ t’E! reality series through season 13 before only appearin’ in two episodes durin’ season 14 an’ none really since. Maybe he’s gettin’ re-acclimated t’yonder family biz wi’ his sister’s exit an’ that’s why we’re beginnin’ t’see more o’him on social media.
Kylie Jenner also stepped away from thar show when she was pregnant wi’ Stormi Webster fer nine months. Even now, she an’ sis Kendall Jenner don’t find themsel’es on camera that much!
Still, it’s a pretty grand deal fer Kourtney t’move on from thar show, an’ p’raps it’s a huge reason as t’ why it was SO AWKWARD t’watch thar three K-sisters on T’ Real earlier this week! Honestly, this new inter’iew wi’ ET was jus’ as uncomfortable. Don’t belie’e us? Give it a watch fer yerself:
[embedded content]
Wha’ do U make o’thar news, Perezcious readers? Do ye think Kris Jenner will let Kendall an’ Ky lea’e now, too? Sound OFF in t’comments wi’ yer take!!
[Image wit’ Kendall Jenner/Kourtney Kardashian/Khloé Kardashian/Instagram & Brian T’/WENN. & Keepin’ Up Wi’ T’ Kardashians/YouTube.]

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Ye’ll Wish It Was Christmas Mornin' After Ye See These Dreamy Stockin' Stuffers From Anthropologie

Best Cheap Stockin’ Stuffers From Anthropologie 2019 | Daily Gawk Smart Li’in’

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Ye’ll Wish It Was Christmas Mornin’ After Ye See These Dreamy Stockin’ Stuffers From Anthropologie

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Ye’ll Wish It Was Christmas Mornin’ After Ye See These Dreamy Stockin’ Stuffers From Anthropologie

Gettin’ in thar Christmas spirit be easy when ye make Anthropologie yer holiday ha’en. While we know ye luxe retailer has some o’yonder hottest gifts o’2019, ye may be surprised t’find out that their stockin’ stuffers be super affordable. Whether ye’re shoppin’ fer someone who wants ye best new skincare products or someone who can’t get enough o’t’ hottest tech gadgets, Anthro has exactly wha’ they want, all at prices ye can afford.
Shop ye best Anthropologie stockin’ stuffers now — all $25 an’ under! Happy holidays, indeed.
— Additional reportin’ by Nicole Yi

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Brad Pitt has been doin’ crazy stuff!
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Trisha Paytas’ Groom Could Be Brad Pitt’s Twin–or Be He?!

Ye’ll definitely recognize Trisha Paytas’ “groom.”
Las month, thar YouTube star had fans guessin’ when she re’ealed in a video she was engaged an’ gettin’ married on Nov. 1. “They’re well known, but they’re jus’ a pri’ate landlubber, so even though they’re a public landlubber, they’re pri’ate,” she said o’her future partner online. 
Then, over yonder weekend, Paytas shared snaps o’ye weddin’ festi’ities, includin’ herself wi’ her “weddin’ squad” in front o’a limo, as well as a video o’herself on stage wi’ Criss Angel as his Las Vegas show after ye nuptials. Howe’er, who she married remained a mystery…until now. 
On Tuesday, ye YouTube star uploaded her weddin’ video fer fans t’watch yonder entire ceremony unfold. Spoiler alert: it was all a sham. 
In ye se’en minute video, Paytas came down t’aisle arm in arm wi’ her mother t’meet…a cardboard cutout o’ Brad Pittin a suit. Still, thar commitment ceremony featured an officiant, music, a photographer an’ vows. 

Someone even stood behind thar cardboard cutout t’“speak,” exchange vows wi’ Paytas an’ place a rin’ on her hand. 
“I ne’er thought I would find someone who wouldn’t lea’e me an’ wouldn’t talk aft t’me an’ judge me fer bein’ crazy. This be real an’ this means a lot,” she told ye cardboard cutout. “From t’moment I got ye in ye mail, I knew this was goin’ t’last fore’er.”

Ultimately, Paytas sealed t’ceremony by makin’ out wi’ t’cardboard before carryin’ it down t’aisle wi’ her. 
Needless t’say, fans were far from thrilled wi’ thar Youtuber’s stunt.
As ‘un viewer commented, “This be literally so dumb.”

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Boss Bagel On T' Prowl, Bob Stoops t'FSU Rumor & How Danny Trejo Stays Sober

Be ye ready fer college basketball? Thar be 400 games on TV tonight. Kansas-Duke early then ye’ll get Kentucky-Michigan State at 9:30 on ESPN. Ye’ll also get two MAC football games tonight includin’ Kent State at Toledo an’ Ball State at Western Michigan. An’ a couple o’hockey games on NBCSN. Folks, it’s Christmas ad season. Ye sports channels need live programmin’, they’re gettin’ it.

• Bagel Boss has been tryin’ t’get this Instagram chick t’lea’e her boyfriend fer him

• TMZ catches up wi’ ‘Kidz Bop Karen’ t’hear how thin’s be goin’

• How does Danny Trejo stay sober? Oh, jus’ thinks aft t’his prison days & t’shower

• Bob Stoops…FSU

• Meghan Edmonds unleashes again on poor Jimmy Edmonds

• NY tabloids had fun wi’ yonder black cat at yonder Giants game

• Hartford TV station t’name winter storms after viewers pets…hell, auction off yonder storm names t’local companies

• Here’s Beatriz from yonder Alabama A&M tennis team

I’ve Watched This Video 50X Video o’yonder Day

Burrito o’thar Day

I started Busted in 2007, sold it in 2011 an’ Coed kept me around t’run this operation. Based in Ohio. Contact me: @bustedco’erage

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Mom’s Lunchbox Letters t'Her Daughter Should Be Read by E'ery Lass

If ye’ve ever snuck a handwritten note — “have a good day!” or “eat yer veggies!” or “ye’ll ace that math quiz!” — in yer kid’s lunch box, this story o’a mom who wrote more than 100 letters t’her sixth-grade daughter will hit close t’home.
Stephanie Skylar wrote these notes more than a decade ago, aft in 2003, when her 11-year-old lass was goin’ through ye growin’ pains o’adolescence. Each o’her notes included a boxed-in “Lunchbox Letter Ad’ice” section that touched on e’erythin’ from how t’deal wi’ mean girls at school t’yonder importance o’family an’ her tips fer stayin’ focused in her interests, namely karate.
“It started wi’ typical ‘have a nice day at school’ notes an’ quickly became a place fer her t’more closely connect wi’ me while she worked long hours,” Skye said.
Skye sa’ed those letters, an’ this year, she anthologized them fer her master’s thesis project on visual communication. She created t’website Ad’ice From Me Mom, which showcases most o’t’ notes, scrawled on scraps o’paper, memo pads, an’ company letterhead.
Although her mom, who had a demandin’ job that had her tra’elin’ an’ commutin’ long distances, wasn’t able t’write e’ery day, Skye notes t’intention paid off: “Her wisdom stuck wi’ me long past when she first wrote these letters an’ this experience greatly shaped how I view thar world.”

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Senate Accidentally Holds Trump Impeachment Hearin', WHOOPS

Hold yer horses, United States Senate! Ye’ll get yer chance t’do an impeachment trial o’Donald Trump before ye know it, after yonder House o’Representati’es holds ‘un thousand amazin’ (fer us) an’ painful (fer Trump) hearin’s an’ votes t’impeach yonder motherfucker already. We promise.
Yonder Senate Foreign Relations Committee accidentally held an impeachment hearin’ on Wednesday. It wasn’t supposed t’be an impeachment hearin’. It was supposed t’be yonder confirmation hearin’ fer Trump’s next ambassador t’ye land o’borscht an’ Igor, Trump’s own mother Russia, which he lo’eth like it’s his real dad. Trouble be, yonder nominee, Deputy Secretary o’State John Sulli’an, be actually kiiiiind o’a Deep State career State Department guy, an’ as such, he said some thin’s we be bettin’ Grand Treason in thar White House be not happy about.

Sulli’an jus’ kept sayin’ BAD STUFF (good stuff), like fer instance, that it would be not be “in accord wi’ our values” if a president told a foreign country t’in’estigate his political ri’als. This came in response t’a question from Democratic Senator Bob Menendez:

Ye guys, Donald Trump DID THAT CRIME. He be gettin’ impeached fer it!
Sulli’an said he didn’t know about yonder whole quid pro quo thin’, where Trump was literally withholdin’ almost $400 million in congressionally appropriated military aid t’Ukraine in order t’extort President Volodymyr Zelenskiy into announcin’ in’estigations into yonder Bidens on CNN. He knew thar was a hold on that aid, though! But he didn’t know EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland an’ Ukraine special en’oy Kurt Volker were part o’ye “three amigos” demandin’ in’estigations into yonder Bidens, because he was not thar that night, OK? He most certainly did not TELL THEM t’do that!

Asked where their instructions came from, Sulli’an said, “I don’t know.”Once he knew o’their acti’ities, had he made “any attempt t’find out?” asked Sen. Chris Murphy (D-Conn.).”Since I learned o’it in September, I have not,” Sulli’an said.

A perturbed Menendez said Sulli’an was doin’ a “see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil”-type thin’, constantly sayin’ he didn’t see nothin’, yer honor, HONEST. Chris Murphy, meanwhile, was not pleased wi’ t’lack o’curiosity Sulli’an showed toward such thin’s.
Menendez asked Sulli’an if he was aware o’Trump committin’ any other crimes askin’ foreign powers t’in’estigate his political ri’als, an’ Sulli’an said he didn’t know o’any. We guess Sulli’an didn’t see Trump on ye White House lawn whistleblowin’ his own dick an’ confirmin’ that he wants China t’in’estigate yonder Bidens. That happened!
Sulli’an also confirmed fer Menendez that he knew Rudy Giuliani was workin’ a dark-side shadow crime policy outside o’official channels t’remo’e Ambassador Marie Yo’ano'itch, though Sulli’an agreed she had done nothin’ wrong, because she was standin’ in t’way o’thar corruption Trump, Giuliani, an’ his team o’Chucklefucks wanted t’commit in Ukraine.

MENENDEZ: Ye were aware that thar were indi’iduals an’ forces outside o’ye State Department seekin’ t’smear Ambassador Yo’ano'itch, be that correct?SULLI’AN: I was.MENENDEZ: An’ seekin’ t’remo’e her, be that correct?SULLI’AN: I was.MENENDEZ: An’ did ye know Mr. Giuliani was ‘un o’those people?SULLI’AN: I belie’ed he was, yarr.

Sulli’an added, “Me knowledge in ye sprin’ an’ summer o’this year about any in’ol'ement o’Mr. Giuliani was in connection wi’ a campaign against our ambassador t’Ukraine.” He even got t’SEEKRIT DOSSIER o’right-win’ conspiracy theory bullshit Rudy G. sent t’ State Department, but he thought it was crap, so he passed it off.
Sulli’an confirmed that he was yonder ‘un aft in March t’ell Yo’ano'itch she was gettin’ ye boot fer zero fuckin’ reason, statin’ t’ Senate that she had done her job “admirably an’ capably.” Howe’er, he also said that when a president “loses confidence” in an ambassador, it’s his right t’fire them. O’ course Trump “lost confidence” because yonder biggest dipshits in America, Ukraine, an’ elsewhere were fillin’ his head wi’ conspiracy theories about Yo’ano'itch.

SULLI’AN: When yonder president loses confidence in t’ambassador — right or wrong — yonder ambassador needs t’come home.

Even if it’s jus’ Crime Time at Trump’s house, we guess.
We’re not sayin’ Sulli’an was all smart durin’ his hearin’, or that Trump has necessarily picked a good landlubber t’be ambassador t’his homeland Russia. In ‘un exchange, Menendez an’ Sulli’an discussed ye White House an’ State Department’s efforts t’keep State officials from testifyin’ before Congress, which isn’t goin’ so well anymore fer them. Sulli’an actually cited wi’ a straight face that dumbfuck “CONGRESS Be NOT Me REAL DAD!” letter from White House counsel Pat Cipollone, which literally all lawyers who aren’t Trump-fluffin’ sycophants have been LOLin’ at ever since it came out, as part o’yonder justification fer ignorin’ those requests.
As t’AP reports, though, Sulli’an said very reassurin’ thin’s about fightin’ Russia’s election attacks an’ incursions into Ukraine an’ whatnot, so Trump can’t be totally happy:

Sulli’an be yonder lead U.S. official in talks wi’ Russia on counter-terrorism an’ strategic security. He testified that if confirmed he would be “relentless” in confrontin’ Russia over its election interference, hostile mo’es against neighbors such as Georgia an’ Ukraine, human rights abuses an’ violations o’arms control agreements.

That’s nice!
Look who’s mad:

Uh huh.
So based on all this, will John Sulli’an’s nomination sur’ive, or will Trump pull it?
We dunno but TICK TOCK, JOHN SULLI’AN, it was fun while it lasted, now go fill out an application at Starbucks fer ye holiday season, because ye might need it.
[Salon / AP / Washington Post]
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