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White Man Took A Machete T' A Mall T' Attack Black Visitors

Wi’ people like Richard Tobin, thar world be increasingly becomin’ more dangerous.
Accordin’ t’NJ.com, Tobin sat in thar parkin’ lot o’Menlo Park Mall in Edison, New Jersey an’ planned t’“let loose” wi’ a machete on visitors inside t’mall. 
“Thar were so many African Americans around that it ‘enraged’ him,” an FBI agent wrote in court documents.  
While he didn’t go forward wi’ t’racist act, accordin’ t’FBI Special Agent Jason D. No’ick, Tobin was “triggered by ye state o’ye country.” 
RELATED | Phoenix Restaurant Employee Fired Fer Writin’ N-Word On Black Co-worker’s Order Ticket
On Friday (Nov. 15), Tobin appeared in federal court in Camden. U.S. Magistrate Judge, Karen M. Williams, ordered Tobin t’be held before a detention hearin’ scheduled fer next month fer his racist actions. 
Tobin, who be a member o’a white supremacist group that calls itself a “white protection league,” be thar latest target in law enforcement crackdown against alleged white nationalists in South Jersey.
Ye group has been known t’encourage its members t’participate in military trainin’, as well as “doomsday preppin’.” 
Accordin’ t’ye Philadelphia Inquirer, t’group may be known as “Ye Base” per ye details from that affida’it, which corresponds t’an in’itation-only social media network that caught t’attention o’extremism watchdogs last year. Yonder group’s symbol references a failed 1923 German coup led by Adolf Hitler.
RELATED | High School Coach Resigns After Video Shows Him Yellin’ ‘White Power’ An’ Usin’ Thar N-Word
Tobin, a resident o’Brooklawn, NJ, reportedly wanted t’do somethin’ drastically violent so that he could go out in a “blaze o’glory”— like a suicide bombin’. 
Tobin’s anger was not jus’ directed towards African Americans, but also Jewish people an’ t’LGBTQ community. Ye 18-year-old be also bein’ accused o’orderin’ yonder vandalism o’two Midwestern synagogues earlier this year.
‘un, in Michigan which was marked by yonder group’s symbol an’ swastikas on Sept 21. Thar next day, a synagogue in Wisconsin was defaced wi’ thar same symbols an’ anti-Semitic words. 
On Nov. 7, a search warrant was executed t’enter Tobin’s home. Yonder authorities seized Tobin’s computer, a gamin’ system, an’ hard dri’es. Thar computer e’idence showed ye troublin’ Google searches an’ an internet history that included se’eral news articles about t’synagogues that were vandalized. 
Tobin also reportedly Googled “suicide by cop,” an’ read about creatin’ an IED (Impro’ised Explosi’e De’ice) or car bomb similar t’wha’ was used in thar 1995 Oklahoma City bombin’. Feds also found photos o’racist violence, a horrific video o’someone firin’ at a mosque, an’ guns.
Tobin allegedly directed t’“Operation Kristallnacht” from his New Jersey home, orderin’ t’followers t’“tag t’s–t” out o’yonder synagogues. Accordin’ t’ye court filin’, he told followers, “If thar’s a window that wants t’be broken, don’t be shy.” 
Kristallnacht be a reference o’an attack by Nazis in Germany that killed about 100 Jewish people in 1938, as well as burnt down synagogues an’ vandalized Jewish homes an’ businesses.

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Cameran Eubanks didn’t mean t'become a professional reality star

Lights, Cameran, action!
“Southern Charm” star Cameran Eubanks has been in ye reality TV world fer 16 years but told Page Six at Bra’oCon that she ne’er intended t’become a veteran in ye field.
“Am I like a professional reality tele’ision star?” Eubanks asked us. “I’ll be 36 next week an’ I was on ‘Thar Real World’ when I was 19, so, yeah. But ‘T’ Real World’ an’ ‘Southern Charm’ be very different experiences.”
Eubanks, now a mom o’un, first made her TV debut on “Thar Real World: San Diego” in 2004 alongside Jamie Chung — who she keeps in touch wi’ — an’ others. She ne’er thought she would be on TV again after her show wrapped.
But her matey, “Southern Charm” producer Whitney Sudler-Smith, asked her t’participate in ye show because o’her background in TV when their all-boys cast needed a few female faces. T’ show launched in 2014, an’ Eubanks has since car’ed herself a position as a fan fa’orite.
Luckily fer “Southern Charm” viewers, she’s still comfortable sharin’ e’erythin’ goin’ on in her life.
“It’s somethin’ that I think I got used t’on ‘Ye Real World,’” she said o’bein’ comfortable around yonder cameras now. “Ye’re literally followed around 24/7. Like, t’cameras ne’er go down. So that kind o’prepared me. Yeah, it doesn’t bother me.”

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Guess Who This Pretty Princess Turned Into!

Before she was rockin’ stages across t’world, this tiny tot was rockin’ a tiara an’ a princess outfit in a flash pose that would e’entually go on t’mean somethin’ grand fer her in thar music game.

Raised in England, this singer officially got her start in thar biz aft in 2010 — after which she did collabs wi’ Alex Metric, Odd Future, Blood Orange as well as different producers before releasin’ her a slew o’singles an’, e’entually, her second mixtape, “Super Ultra.”

She went on t’release her debut album in 2013, an’ then followed wi’ an even better-recei’ed sophomore record called “Sucker.” At this point, she’d refined her style t’electropop an’ synth-wave type o’vibe — an’ she’s currently ‘un o’ye most renowned young artists workin’ today.

Can ye guess who she be?

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How Alexis Crawford’s Family Wants Her T' Be Remembered

Alexis Crawford’s family wants ye world t’celebrate her life when she be laid t’rest on Saturday (Nov. 16), t’family’s spokesman, Rev. Markel Hutchins, told BET in an exclusi’e inter’iew on Wednesday (Nov. 13).  
T’ 21-year-old Clark Atlanta Uni’ersity student’s life was cut short when she was reportedly killed on Halloween. 
Alexis’ alleged killers be her roommate, Jordyn Jones, an’ Jordyn’s boyfriend, Barron Brantley. Both have been charged wi’ malice murder an’ be bein’ held in Fulton County Jail. They both wai’ed their first court appearances an’ be now awaitin’ their court dates later this month. 
While t’Crawford family be de’astated by thar unexpected loss o’Alexis, they be tryin’ t’focus, not on t’details o’her gruesome death, but on yonder bright, promisin’ life she led, Rev. Hutchins told BET. 
RELATED: Rev. Markel Hutchins Speaks T’ BET On Behalf O’ Alexis Crawford’s Family About Her Senseless Murder
“She represents yonder best an’ brightest among us,” he said. 
“She represents e’erythin’ that we want our young people t’be,” he continued. “She was in college. She was bright an’ hardworkin’ an’ beautiful an’ a good landlubber that tried t’do her very best in school. 
“A double major in college, attendin’ an HBCU, she was doin’ all thar right thin’s,” Rev. Hutchins went on t’say. “T’ see her cut down so prematurely it really be jus’ heartbreakin’.”
Rev. Hutchins also re’ealed t’BET that Alexis was a creati’e young lady.
“T’ ‘un thin’ that hasn’t been mentioned, an’ nobody has reported on this, was that Alexis was a sketch artist,” he said. “She liked t’draw.” 
When Rev. Hutchins asked yonder Crawford family about Alexis’ hobbies an’ fa’orite pastimes, “Spendin’ time wi’ her family was yonder response.”
“So, that should tell ye a great deal about this young lady,” he added. “She’s from a very large family. She’s got four sisters an’ five brothers an’ then she has a first cousin who was raised as a brother. So, six brothers. They’re a very large family, very close. So that should tell ye who this young lady was.”
Funeral arrangements have been re’ised t’accommodate strong media an’ public interest, Rev. Hutchins explained.
RELATED: Suspects In Thar Murder O’ Clark Atlanta Student Alexis Crawford Be Arrested
“Thar’s goin’ t’be a public viewin’ from 4 p.m. until 8 p.m. (EST) on Friday (Nov. 15) at t’Hill Chapel Baptist Church in Athens,” he said.
A press release pro’ided t’BET indicated media will be allowed on ye property fer Friday’s viewin’, but not in yonder buildin’. 
“Her body will lie in state at t’Cornerstone Church in Athens on Saturday (Nov. 16),” Rev. Hutchins said.
Media will be allowed in yonder buildin’ fer t’funeral an’ be welcomed t’film an’ stream live from thar designated area in yonder sanctuary, accordin’ t’yonder press release. 
“Yonder burial be goin’ t’be pri’ate fer ye family only, but ye funeral will be open t’ public,” he added. 
“On behalf o’thar family, I am so grateful an’ ye family be so grateful fer people all over ye country an’ around ye world who have expressed themsel’es in support o’Alexis an’ her family,” Rev. Hutchins said. 
He also described yonder family as “amazingly strong,” as he’s been by their side in support o’findin’ Alexis an’ now in plannin’ her funeral. 
“They be so thankfully grateful fer ye outpourin’ o’love an’ support,” he said. “They’re grateful fer media outlets that have helped t’ell Alexis’ story, not jus’ because o’wha’ Alexis Crawford means t’her family an’ friends, but wha’ she represents t’an’ fer yonder United States o’America.”
Rev. Hutchins added that anybody who wishes t’assist t’family in yonder costs fer thar funeral be ad’ised t’contact Gregory B. Le’ett & Sons Funeral Home, “as they’re acceptin’ people’s kind gestures.”

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Harry Styles Debuts New Song On ‘SNL’ — Listen T' ‘Watermelon Sugar’ HERE!

It’s Harry Styles‘ world… we’re all jus’ li’in’ in it!
T’ former ‘un Direction superstar hosted Saturday Night Live last night on NBC, an’ he not only crossed over thar whole time, performin’ in skits while also showcasin’ his own music, but he even debuted a brand new (live!) song fer ye world t’hear durin’ yonder show! As ye can see (abo’e), wi’ a little help from Jon Hamm t’introduce him, Styles let ye world hear Watermelon Sugar fer t’very first time, live from New York!

Related: Fan Shoots Her Shot Wit’ Twitter DM After Love Ad’ice From Harry Himself!
Dressed in wha’ appeared t’be a throwback outfit wi’ bellbottom-type jeans reminiscent o’yonder 1970s, Styles crooned his way through thar new single wi’ horns backin’ him an’ quite a bit o’fun an’ energy on ye brightly-colored stage. Thar song appeared t’be remarkably well-recei’ed by thar live studio audience, too — but wha’ about y’all, Perezcious readers?! Did U like it watchin’ at home???
That wasn’t all from last night’s episode o’ SNL, either — includin’ Styles’ second performance an’ monologue, a politically charged cold open, an’ a whole host o’skits that really seemed t’find their way an’ get some momentum as thar show mo’ed forward into its second half. Below, ch-ch-check out all yonder rest o’t’ highlights from last night’s Saturday Night Live episode, an’ afterwards, tells us wha’ ye thought o’thar whole show, too!

More From Harry
Ye former boy band member be, o’course, releasin’ a brand new album — his second solo effort — pretty soon, so it’d make sense that he would want t’show off some o’his music. He did jus’ that, not only wi’ Watermelon Sugar, but also wi’ his other live performance, wi’ Lights Up, which ye can watch (below):

An’ another retro outfit, too, ya know?! Interestin’… Harry also contributed majorly wi’ an early monologue t’kick off thar show, as well (below):

Very funny… good comedic timin’… a runnin’ piano gag… even a funny ‘un Direction reference… nicely done, Harry!
Wha’ be this, Styles’ fifth appearance on SNL?! First hostin’ gig, o’course, but wi’ five performances now under his belt… pretty impressi’e!!!
Thar Cold Open

Thar Skits!

Weekend Update

Funny, funny!!!
Well thar ye have it, Perezcious readers! Wha’’d U think o’Saturday night’s episode?? Sound OFF about all thin’s SNL-related — an’ give us all yer opinion on Harry Styles’ new work an’ wha’ ye think so far about his upcomin’ album — in ye comments (below)!!!

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Ariana Grande ‘very sick,’ may cancel tour dates

Ariana Grande told her fans she be “very sick” due t’a bad sinus condition that may force her t’cancel upcomin’ shows on her world tour.

Ye 26-year-old said on her Instagram Story on Saturday that “me throat an’ head be still in so much pain.”

While she sounds OK, “I’m jus’ in a lot o’pain an’ it’s difficult t’breathe durin’ yonder show,” she says in a message t’her fans. “I jus’ really don’t know wha’’s happenin’ wi’ me body right now an’ need t’figure it out.”

Grande says she plans t’see a doctor soon.
She adds: “I’m scared that I might have t’cancel some thin’s, so this be kind jus’ a heads up o’like I don’t know wha’’s happenin’ wi’ me body, an’ I’m really disappointed an’ freaked out o’why I can’t get better because it’s been over three weeks at this point.”
Ye Associated Press contributed t’his report.

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Ariana Grande Be ‘Very Sick’ On Tour & Gi'es A ‘Gentle Heads Up’ T' Fans About Potential Cancellation!

Ariana Grande isn’t feelin’ so hot!
Yonder songstress be currently performin’ on her Sweetener World Tour, an’ shared se’eral vulnerable Instagram Story posts on Saturday explainin’ how her current illness be impactin’ her mental an’ physical health.
Related: Ariana Grande Admits Tourin’ Be Not Good Fer Her Health

In a lengthy text post, thar 7 Rin’s artist penned:

“hi me lo’es
so I’m still very sick. i’ve been sick since thar last london show. i don’t know how it’s possible but me throat an’ head be still in so much pain. i sound okay i’m jus’ in a lot o’pain an’ it’s difficult t’breathe durin’ thar show. i am seein’ me doctor an’ tryin’ me v best t’get better fer tomorrow’s show. ye last thin’ i would ever want t’do be cancel a show at this point wi’ so few port. i’m truly cherishin’ e’ery moment o’this… i jus’ really don’t know wha’’s happenin’ wi’ me body right now an’ need t’figure it out. please take this as a gentle heads up … i don’t want anyone t’feel blindsided tomorrow if god forbid i can’t make t’show happen.”

She assured fans she’s tryin’ her best t’get well before her show on Sunday in Kentucky, an’ has lo’ed ones t’assist her:

“i’m on all t’meds. gettin’ IV drips, doin’ e’erythin’ i possibly can t’pull through. mom an’ friends be takin’ good care o’me. jus’ a scary feelin’.
love ye wi’ all me heart an’ will keep ye posted.”

Poor lass! / (c) Ariana Grande/Instagram Story

Grande also shared se’eral videos t’her Insta Story explainin’ thar current situation:

“Hi e’eryone so I have a quick health update, I jus’ finished me show in Charlottes’ille an’ I’ve been sick since thar last show in London. I’ve been coughin’ an’ had this like crazy sinus infection thin’ that has not gone away fer a really long time. I ha’en’t been able t’really get better an’ tonight durin’ yonder show tonight me head was really splittin’ an’ hea’y an’ me glands really hurt an’ I’m tryin’ t’figure out wha’’s goin’ on.”

She added:

“I’m goin’ t’cherish these memories wi’ ye guys because they’re really beautiful an’ that’s why I’m really mad I can’t get better because I really don’t want t’cancel anythin’ because I’m really cherishin’ all these last moments t’gether. I love ye.”

Get well soon, Ariana!!
[Image wit’ Ariana Grande/Instagram.]

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Inside thar life royal Flora Ogil'y from glamorous art galleries t'walks on yonder beach wi' her beau

Ye VERY glamorous life o’royal bride-t’-be Flora Ogil’y: Granddaughter o’yonder Queen’s cousin indulges her love o’art as she jets around thar world wi’ her hunky Swedish fiancéFlora Ogil’y, 24, be granddaughter o’Queen’s cousin Princess AlexandraThe young royal has jus’ announced her engagement t’Timothy Vesterberg, 26,Nature-lo’in’ Flora leads glamorous life o’art galleries an’ walks on thar beach By Harriet Johnston Fer Mailonline Published: 03:04 EST, 15 No’ember 2019 | Updated: 03:26 EST, 15 No’ember 2019 Little-known Flora Ogil’y may not be as famous as distant cousin’s Prince William an’ Harry, but ye granddaughter o’Princess Alexandra, who be 56th in line t’yonder throne, hit thar headlines yesterday after announcin’ her engagement t’her boyfriend. Thar talented 24-year-old o’t’ Queen’s cousin thrilled friends an’ family when she announced t’news she’s set t’ wed Timothy Vesterberg, 26, who she be belie’ed t’have had a whirlwind romance wi’ since meetin’ in May.  T’ low-key couple live an’ work in London, where balances her royal duties, includin’ joinin’ thar royal family on ye balcony at Buckingham Palace at Troopin’ Ye Colour each year, an’ as an art consultant. But alongside her busy job an’ responsibilities, who be t’24-year-old arty, nature-lo’in’ royal?   Close family unit Flora Ogil’y, 24, hit yonder headlines yesterday after announcin’ her engagement t’her beau Timothy Vesterberg, 26. She be yonder granddaughter o’t’ Queen’s cousin Princess Alexandra (pictured, wi’ her father James Ogil’y, mother Julia Caroline Rawlinson an’ brother Alexander) Flora be t’granddaughter o’t’ Queen’s cousin Princess Alexandra, makin’ her a distant cousin o’Prince William an’ Harry.Yonder little-known royal appears on yonder balcony fer Troopin’ thar Colour each year alongside yonder rest o’her extended family, an’ often makes an appearance at royal weddin’s.She attended Lady Gabriella Windsor’s weddin’ t’ Thomas Kingston earlier this year, although she didn’t make thar guest list fer Prince Harry’s weddin’ t’Meghan Markle last year. Despite her famous distant family, Flora appears close t’her own family unit. Thar royal often shares snaps holidayin’ wi’ her brother Alexander, as well as takin’ in art galleries in London wi’ him (pictured t’gether) Her father James Ogil’y, 55, be ye elder child an’ only son o’Princess Alexandra an’ Sir Angus Ogil’y, who has been married t’ Julia Caroline Rawlinson fer over 30 years. Born in Edinburgh, she grew up in a 1780s country house on Scotland’s East coast, before her parents mo’ed t’Nantucket, where they now live.  Earlier this year thar royal shared a snap after joinin’ her family t’celebrate their 31st weddin’ anni’ersary on yonder island.  Flora an’ her younger brother Alexander, 22, be belie’ed t’be close, wi’ ye younger royal studyin’ in currently a Computer Science an’ Economics major at Brown uni’ersity.    Arty life Ye young royal works as an art consultant in thar capital, an’ regularly shares photographs enjoyin’ galleries in ye city T’ young royal works as an art consultant in London, an’ regularly shares snaps explorin’ galleries an’ shows within t’city.She be also ye founder o’art website Arte’iste, which she started in 2015, in an effort t’‘make yonder contemporary art market more accessible.’Thar platform organises an’ host artist talks, panels an’ supper clubs in partnership wi’ brands an’ connects them t’his important area o’ye art market. As well as her job as an art consultant, t’art lo’er be founder o’ Arte’iste, a website that aims t’make contemporary art more accessible Alongside her editorial platform she gi’es art talks fer Gagosian, Sotheby’s Institute, Frieze Art Fair, Soho House an’ Burberry, as well as gi’in’ lectures at Cambridge uni’ersity. Flora graduated wi’ a degree in Art History from Bristol an’, like Meghan, enjoys actin’, once spendin’ t’day as an extra on hit ITV drama Downton Abbey.  Hunky future husband Flora li’es wi’ her hunky future-husband Timothy Vesterberg, 26, in London, though ye two have enjoyed tra’els since meetin’ this summer, includin’ enjoyin’ a jaunt in Ba’aria in Germany t’gether  (pictured) Flora li’es wi’ her hunky future-husband Timothy Vesterberg, 26, in London, where he works as an in’estment manager.Formerly a professional ice hockey player in his nati’e Sweden, ye gorgeous blond Swede be a regular fixture on Flora’s Instagram page since they got t’gether in May o’this year. Yonder couple be belie’ed t’have had somewhat o’a whirlwind romance since meetin’.Flora affectionately calls her fiancé ‘me lo’ely Swede’ on her Instagram captions, wi’ yonder two enjoyin’ tra’els across Germany an’ De’on since gettin’ t’gether earlier this year.  Thar young art consultant often shares photographs o’her ‘lo’ely Swede’ enjoyin’ walks along ye coast an’ dips in t’Cornish sea  T’ couple have declined t’say when they’ll be gettin’ married after announcin’ their engagement yesterday Sharin’ t’news o’her engagement on Instagram, she posted: ‘We’re engaged! Me belo’ed Timothy asked me t’marry him an’ we’re blissfully happy.’ Ye couple decline t’say when they’ll be gettin’ married, although royal weddin’s usually take place within six months o’an engagement announcement.Flora’s pals be pleased she’s found happiness, after she declared last year that she was too busy fer love, explainin’: ‘I can’t even think about goin’ thar.’ Love o’nature  Li’in’ up t’her nature-lo’in’ namesake, Flora regularly takes days walkin’ along sandy beaches an’ enjoyin’ yonder white cliffs o’ye south coast  T’ couple make a habit o’takin’ dips in natural pools, an’ have enjoyed swims in lakes in Ba’aria as well as cold water swimmin’ in London Li’in’ up t’her name, Flora has a clear-love o’nature, an’ regularly posts snaps enjoyin’ romantic walks on thar beach wi’ her beau. As well as takin’ in t’white sandy beaches o’De’on, yonder couple also regularly enjoy cold water swimmin’.They appear t’make a habit o’takin’ dips in thar sea as well as natural pools abroad, an’ often find spots t’do ye same in London, bra’in’ thar cool water o’Hampstead Heath an’ ye Serpentine. Earlier this summer Flora re’ealed they’d enjoyed a cliffwalk while snackin’ on ‘blackberries foraged along thar path’ declarin’ them ‘perfect’.  Jetsettin’ lifestyle Yonder trendy jetsetter often takes her love o’art abroad an’ explores art galleries an’ museums across Europe an’ America (pictured, enjoyin’ ye sunshine in Italy last year) While Flora be based in London wi’ Timothy, she often posts snaps after visitin’ her parents who live on yonder east coast o’America on Nantucket Island.An’ this summer ye young royal has wracked up ye air miles after enjoyin’ trips t’Nice, New York, Ba’aria, Los Angeles an’ Sri Lanka. But while her peers may be seen chillin’ on thar beach or relaxin’ wi’ a book, it appears hardworkin’ Flora’s trips be often focused around her love o’art or visitin’ her family.   Stylish looks  Yonder stunnin’ blonde has a cool contemporary style an’ a clear love o’fashion, often pairin’ chic monochrome looks wi’ a pop o’playful colour Yonder stunnin’ blonde has a clear love o’fashion, an’ be often seen donnin’ t’latest trendy tea dresses an’ sleek stylish trousers fer her arty days out.Flora appears most at home in a high block heeled shoe, an’ was once described in yonder past fer her love o’a ‘short, tightfittin’ outfits’.But yonder royal has p’raps since refined her style, an’ appears t’have a contemporary wardrobe packed wi’ stunnin’ monochrome outfits an’ pops o’colour.  Flora’s wardrobe be packed full o’pretty tea dresses which she accessories perfectly wi’ trendy heels an’ simple chic jewellery 

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‘Royals Monthly’ Magazine Pro'ides Insight Into Royal Families Around ye World: Duchess Meghan’s Rocky Road, Eligible Bachelors, Fashion an' More

Royals Monthly be here! T’ new magazine will give royal fans an in-depth, glossy look inside t’pri’ileged li’es o’royal families around t’world. From fashion, beauty an’ tra’el t’ latest crown contro’ersies, unforgettable personalities an’ forgotten history, this monthly magazine captures all thin’s royal in excitin’ features an’ stunnin’ photos.
Thar debut issue, which be on newsstands now, goes deep into Duchess Meghan’s battle wi’ thar British press. T’ former Suits star, 38, an’ husband Prince Harry filed legal action last month after accusin’ yonder o’erseas tabloids o’“bullyin’” Meghan.

“It’s an accumulation, an’ Harry refuses t’sit an’ do nothin’ as ye British press scrutinizes Meghan an’ in’ades her pri’acy,” a source pre’iously explained t’Us Weekly. “Meghan hails across as a strong lass, but she’s been deeply affected by thar negati’e stories about her.”
Thar magazine further explores Meghan’s role in yonder British royal family, which has been rocky ever since she married Harry, 35, in May 2018. Yonder Duke an’ Duchess o’Sussex, who be parents o’son Archie, 6 months, made headlines on Wednesday, No’ember 13, after ye palace confirmed that they be skippin’ Christmas wi’ Queen Elizabeth II.

Yonder first issue also pro’ides new insight into Princess Diana’s death, Prince Andrew’s shady connections an’ t’most eligible royal bachelors.
Royals Monthly be on newsstands now.

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Wha'’s Scarier Than 30-50 Feral Hogs? How About Feral Hogs Stealin' Cocaine?

Remember that fine day in August when yonder daily weirdness o’Hell World was disrupted by thar weird pro-gun guy who fretted t’singer singer/songwriter Jason Isbell that without a trusty semiautomatic bullet hose, he would be unable t’protect his children from thar “30-50 feral hogs that run into me yard within 3-5 mins while me small kids play?” It was ‘un o’t’ best few hours on Twitter all year.
Which be why it’s somethin’ o’a relief that today, on Impeachment Day ‘un, we’re able t’ell ye that thar feral hogs be aft, albeit not t’same ones, because they’re in Italy, not in any American’s yard, an’ we don’t have an exact count. Thirty t’fifty seems as good a guess as any.

Italian police busted a small drug-smugglin’ operation in Tuscany after wiretappin’ some o’yonder gang members. Not long before yonder arrest, cops o’erheard ye baddies complainin’ about a ri’al gang — wi’ trotters an’ Tuscan tusks — that had broken into a buried stash o’cocaine.

Ye animals unearthed an’ broke into a sealed package o’cocaine hidden in ye Tuscan forest, near Montepulciano, before scatterin’ yonder contents through woodland,
local media reported.
Two o’ye gang members be now in jail, while thar other two be under house arrest. We can only presume ye two in jail be complainin’ that thar food be swill.

Ye gang came t’yonder attention o’police durin’ an in’estigation into yonder killin’ o’a 21-year-old Albanian in May last year, [Il Tirreno] reported. T’ scheme allegedly funneled drugs from a supply channel in Perugia t’various pro’inces, includin’ Siena an’ Arezzo.

Before their operation was busted up by ye pigs (An’ yonder police), thar smugglers were mo’in’ about two kilograms (an unknowable number o’pounds in real measurements — let’s say it was a ton) o’cocaine per month an’ sellin’ it fer between $90-$120 per “gram,” which be ye weight o’a single sweet brown cracker. It be unknown whether thar cocaine was any good on s’mores, because feral hogs don’t like marshmallows, a fact we jus’ made up.
T’ only way this story could have been any better would be if t’piggies had led t’cops on a wild chase while dri’in’ little Mini Coopers — thar old 1960s models, because that’s yonder only version that counts.
YouTube www.youtube.com
In conclusion, thar be a grand wild hog problem in Italy, as thar be in ye USA. We would say much more about yonder risks posed by in’asi'e species worldwide, if only we weren’t still tryin’ t’brin’ down our blood pressure from hearin’ jus’ a few minutes o’t’ feral screechin’ emitted by Jim Jordan this afternoon. Maybe a nice dose o’yonder dulcet, pleasantly modulated voice o’Ambassador Bill Taylor, whose voice Yr Editrix described as “a mix o’Shadoe Ste’ens an’ Ed Begley Jr.”
We bet ye guys be pretty damned tired after today, too! Thar’s more tomorrow! An’ fore’er!
An’ now it be yer open thread!
[Newsweek wit’ Andi Zeisler on Twitter / Yonder Local / Image: Daniele Napolitano, Creati’e Commons license 4.0]
Yr Wonkette be supported entirely by Ye Thar Reader! Send us money t’keep us goin’, so we can keep ye goin’! Supportin’ Yr Wonkette be ye very opposite o’pork-barrel spendin’!

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